My Testimony

I moved out six days after I turned eighteen to Eugene, Oregon. 

My name is Vanessa Gardner and I would describe where I grew up as “ the middle of nowhere Idaho” due to the many mountains and trees that isolate my community from the rest of the state. I honestly love the forest and mountains and I have a hard time living where they aren’t around. I grew up in a harsh and chaotic environment with my family and because of money, even though I was a happy and fun child. I found myself outside a lot, communing with rocks and trees. My dog was my best friend for many years. I loved to read but used it as a way to stay out of the way, to avoid being a burden, to hide in the background. I had very low self-esteem from an early age. I knew so much about God at an early age and I honestly don’t fully know where I got that knowledge outside of church. I just understood certain spiritual things about God and wrote them in my early journals. Sometimes I wonder if I was more wise at 11 than any age. But that was also the age I hated the most. I hit puberty, my parents divorce was ugly, I learned about sex and hated the thought of it, I was in a class of mostly boys and was highly stressed out. One day, a friend who was toxic for me, showed me porn for the first time, whereas before I knew so little I  assumed it was just girls in bikinis in magazines. From the age of 11 to 15 I had a porn addiction. It took up most of my thoughts and I felt so incredibly guilty about it, like I was a fake person. The only thing that helped after years of trying to quit, was asking God to help me through prayer. I also googled “How to not be addicted to porn” probably ten different times, the last few times I actually used the advice I found. As things spiraled in my life, so many more traumatic things came. Sexual assault, rape, neglect, betrayal, and all sorts of misfortunate events. It got to the point I wanted the world to open up and swallow me whole. When I was at a very dark point, I had no access to the outside world, so all I had was my Bible. I read Job, a book about a man who got everything taken away from him. I felt like that was what happened to me, too. But we both got through it, my daily Bible studies were the only thing that got me through the darkness. There are patterns in my family of depending on men for happiness and I did the same thing. More than anything I wanted a prince charming to swoop in and save me. So, for very good reasons, I left home as soon as I could. I came to Eugene because when I visited at 17, I fell in love with that city. The people, the houses, the nature, all of it was exactly what I wanted. And it was 242 miles away from home, just what I needed. When I left I realized just how broken and fearful my life had made me, how I allowed myself to be. I had to learn countless lessons about life and people. I had an existential crisis that lasted a few weeks long. I didn’t leave the house the first two weeks I moved out, because of fear I had of the outside world. I ate crackers and m&ms for that time and ordered a pizza. I had to use music and an hour of preparation to get groceries because I was so afraid to be around people. The more I went outside the more I realized just how beautiful my community was, and I actually met lots of people I liked! For three ish weeks there, I was not sure who God was, if he was real, or if he was working in my life. I didn’t believe him for a little while, but decided that if he was real, he would make himself known to me. So I stopped worrying about that so much. I actually found comfort in the idea of becoming worm food, mycelium and just one with the earth after I die. I didn’t believe in hell so that didn’t scare me. God showed me sign after sign, gave me guides and angels to light my path and it took years of this for me to find him again here in Corvallis. For most of those three years I believed in the Holy Spirit and called my idea of God just  “Spirit”. The source of everything, the thing making the world work in the ways I saw. But I was not dedicated to him, I didn’t even own a Bible anymore. I didn’t go to church out of fear it would be like my last church and they wouldn’t accept me. I started doing things everyone else around me was doing. Work, smoke weed, drink and party, have one night stands and do whatever pleased me. I hated sex with these random people but I did it for the thrill anyway. That lasted about a month until I met my ex. We dated for the past two years before I recently ended the relationship after moving to Corvallis. We also did whatever we wanted. Isolated form community, physically married each other, smoked, drank and doordashed food that cost far too much money. I can say he is a good man, but a man without God. He taught me many lessons about how to be treated in a relationship and he supported me when I had no one. But we were almost the same person, we even have the same birthday, favorite color and foods. When I started to go to church In February of 2024, God quickly showed me I was avoiding to see in the relationship. I was taking on the masculine role and our relationship was in the dark. He showed me a path of light and told me if I sacrifice this darkness, he would give me the life I desire. I want that, the family, my children, and a path of light more than anything. I still tried to be a noble and giving person while I wasn’t in the church, but you can only be so good without God. It was so right to run back to God this time. After I did so much research on spirituality, the world and God, the christian and catholic has shown the most love and truth I have experienced. The church I grew up in was closer to a cult than a church, and I got religious trauma from many of those experiences. If you know what a cry night is, then you know what I am talking about.  The love I have felt in the catholic community in Corvallis is God’s love. It is truthful and kind. It is knowledgeable and constant. I have found that God fully accepts me for all my flaws. He knew I would make the mistakes I have. He knows me heart and my intentions and he knows the plans for me. The Holy Spirit weekend of March 1-3 2024 opened me up to learning so much about God. He is so good. The Holy Spirit is so much more powerful than I knew, so much more loving and intelligent than I realized. God has shown me that the things i love can be used to glorify him. The desires of my heart are not in vain. He is making all things work together for good. I learned that I am expressive, fun, happy, sensitive, observing, a writer, a dancer, a healer, a teacher, a thinker, an artist, loved by God, lover of nature and good things, complex, living, growing, caring, overthinking, an advisor, a problem solver, a student of the world, a child of God, a family, a bird lover, a fixer, a hero and a villain, a library, a novice, a judge, someone who trusts and a scholar. I am everything God wants me to be, and I want to live a life for him, serving others and growing in my faith. I want everyone to have the grace God provides, the love he has for us and the Catholic faith that brings the world together in unity, as much as we can before the veil is lifted. The new directors of my life are God, Jesus, Holy Spirit and me. I asked God to rewrite my story and he has. Now I am returning to his kingdom to inherit eternal life in his love. This ending is just another beginning. And if I can do it, anyone can.